22 Ways I Grew in ’22

1. I learned the difference between reacting and responding. …and every day since has been a practice in choosing to pause, breathe, and respond. In creating that space, I give myself the freedom to choose how I show up, rather than letting my triggers dictate my direction. 2. I found joy exploring my spirituality. ReligionContinue reading “22 Ways I Grew in ’22”

I am not my mind

My mind committed numerous sins against my body throughout adolescence and early adulthood. 

I verbally abused her. I shamed her and ridiculed her and starved her. I lectured her and patronized her and treated her with general contempt. I traded her away to avoid disappointing others just to end up disappointing myself.

I ignored her, denied her, silenced her, disassociated from her.

But my mind was wrong.

My mind was wrong.

I’m a mom with no maternal instinct

At one point, I remember googling “help i am a mom with no maternal instinct what do i do”

I felt a lot of shame about this. I really, truly believed I wasn’t a good mom because it was so hard for me and none of it felt natural.

But I’m thinking differently now.

My Divorce Fantasy

The problem with flight is that eventually you have to land, and when I did, I crashed right into my therapist’s office. I wasn’t hibernating anymore. I was jarred awake, grappling with the reality that my coping mechanisms of denial and repression had me in a perpetual state of survival mode and escape. I couldn’t stand to be present in my own home.

In the safety of my therapist’s office, I experimented, attempting validation and acceptance instead. I admitted aloud that at gut level, I believed my marriage was destined for divorce. That terrible truth, that secret shame, was exposed to the light of day for the first time.

We are done “should”ing

Do I even want to be married? To have kids? To teach? What else have I been “should”ing? These roles I’ve built my entire identity around – do I actually even want them? 

Panic. 

A good woman shouldn’t ask herself these questions, I thought.

But maybe I’m done being a good woman.

Let’s normalize celebrating ourselves

Birthdays rock. It’s the one day it’s socially acceptable to want to feel celebrated out loud. On every September 10th, I give myself permission to ask for whatever the heck I want without guilt or strings attached. 

On the other 364 days of the year, I have this internal fear of being perceived as needy or selfish for having the audacity to have wants and desires, but for this one special day, I get a hall pass. 

I’m having a revelation this year, though.

Weightless: What I lost by ditching the scale

The scale became my Magic 8 Ball and set the tone for the day. Would I spend my shower singing or beating myself up with complicated calculations of macros and calories? Logically, I knew my weight could fluctuate daily for many reasons. Illogically, that didn’t matter.

For years, I gave all of my power to that scale, to that number. Looking back, I can see the havoc this destructive, ineffective ritual unleashed on my self worth.

My life is unraveling at 30

I faced the ugly reality that at thirty years old, I had absolutely no idea who I was or what my values were. I was in complete survival mode, just trying to make it through this day, this week, this month. I didn’t have the language to express what I was feeling, and even if I did, I would’ve been too chicken shit to speak it. I couldn’t articulate who I was outside of the ways I served others: mother, wife, teacher, friend, daughter. And each of those people got a different version of Bobbi, too. 

I felt so damn lost.